The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback

We all hate difficult conversations, no more so than receiving feedback. But authors Douglas Stone (Harvard Law Lecturer) and Sheila Heen (part of the Harvard Negotiation Project) can help. Their book “Thanks for the Feedback” shares their vast knowledge of 15 years working on difficult conversations. This book gets into the most challenging conversations: feedback. Specifically, how we can learn from them, how we sometimes get in our own way and how to avoid those obstacles. 

Throughout the book, Stone and Heen also emphasize it is not the giver that is the key player in feedback. The one who receives it has the control. The receiver controls what they accept. 

The book identifies that two human needs are at play when receiving feedback, and they can be at odds with each other, if not careful: 

• The ongoing need to learn and grow, and 
• Our longing to be accepted 

This internal struggle is at the core of how we perceive and accept (or reject) feedback. Stone and Heen provide an evidence-based framework from the insights of neuroscience and psychology, as well as tools, helpful examples and practical advice to navigate these difficult conversations. 

There are two key concepts Stone and Heen suggest you consider first before deciding what to do with the feedback received. First, there are three types of feedback, and you need to understand which type you received before moving forward: 

• Appreciation: The offering of motivational or encouraging statements, like a simple “thank you.”
• Coaching: The support of a person to learn and grow through improving skills, knowledge, abilities or awareness.
• Evaluation: The sharing of information and benchmarks.

After you determine which type of feedback you received, you need to determine if there is any bias you have about the feedback or who gave it that could obstruct or interfere with your understanding. Stone and Heen call these biases triggers. They are: 

• Truth: Is the content of the feedback reliable, fair, or helpful?
• Relationship: Who is giving the feedback? Do you have an issue with the person giving the feedback? 
• Identity: Does the feedback change or threaten what you think of yourself? 

The key takeaway from this book is that if you take feedback with a growth mindset and use the framework provided in the book, you will be able to take the good with the bad feedback and learn and grow from it. 

So if you still haven’t come up with this year’s resolution, how about learning how to deal feedback? Reading “Thanks for the Feedback” will help you receive, understand and learn from the feedback given to you.