Ripping Off the Rear-View Mirror

I’m often asked whether leadership can be taught, and my answer is always a resounding “yes.” There are particular skills which make us more effective leaders, ones that deal with communicating, gathering information and alternative viewpoints, fostering creativity, helping others want to learn, and so on.

Dealing with the past is another.

The past is useful for learning, but only to a point. As leaders, we’ve got to have the discernment to appreciate when to let something go, or we run the risk of being mired in pain and regret, a place those around us don’t need us to be.

I’ve gotten to know Tait Cruse, a Dallas-based Managing Partner with Northwestern Mutual. He’s shared bits of his childhood, which was incredibly challenging, and stories of his son’s battle with cancer, as well as his own cancer challenge during the pandemic.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family under the threat of losing their house (which ultimately occurred), Tait went to work at the age of twelve for a local plumbing company. His summers, after-school hours and many evenings were filled with climbing under houses or emptying septic tanks. Not the experiences of typical twelve-year-olds.

More recently, his son, Connor, was diagnosed with neuroblastoma and spent five years in and out of hospitals. Also not the experiences of typical children - or their parents.

He hasn’t forgotten the pain of Connor’s death in 2009, nor his own childhood experiences. But as often as possible, he chooses to retain the positive memories and the lessons learned from the negative ones while pressing on.

“We’re moving forward,” he told me. “Life is out in front of me. I’m ‘ripping off the rear-view mirror.’ I can remember the past, but I don’t have to live there.”

At other times, he referred to it as having a “Statute of Limitations on Your Childhood.”

I think he’s right. All of us have regrets. Pain. Experiences we’d have never wished upon anyone. And some of those may warrant professional help for us to move beyond.

Sometimes we cling to our past, our regrets and pain, more than necessary. At least I do. I cling to times I’ve been wounded or grudges that I’ve got.

But those that we’re around, that we’re leading, need us to not unnecessarily cling to those. To not carry them more than we have to. To not revel in the discomfort.

To rip off the rear-view mirror.

To realize the statute of limitations has run on something in my past.

It’s hard, whether in the short-term or long. I know I’ve brought plenty of lousy days home with me. I’ve walked through the door already “loaded for bear” before my wife or children could even greet me, waiting for something to set me off. I’ve learned to gather myself and create a break between the earlier events and the present - which usually works. Usually.

But it’s also true when I’m carrying more baggage from deeper in my past. Baggage which people can trigger without realizing it. And that makes me less effective as a leader, and my team, organization or family less effective as well.

So when you can, rip off that rear view mirror.

And if you can’t rip it all the way off, at least try not to check it quite so often.

Your organization will thank you.