Moving from "Me" glasses to "We" glasses

My husband and I have been married for a few years, and we’ve been in a position to mentor couples just starting out their journeys together. When we meet with couples for the first time, we ask them a few questions to get a gauge on where they are in their relationship. In a recent conversation, one partner in a couple was sharing about how she had realized her need to switch from her “me” glasses to “we” glasses – in effect, thinking first about what was best for her relationship with her partner, instead of just herself.

I teach leadership courses, one particularly on Crucial Conversations [1] – using the text and toolkit from VitalSmarts (a corporate training company) to equip students with the skills they need to engage in meaningful dialogue that drives results in their relationships, organizations and lives. Early on in the training, we introduce the question “What is it that I really want?” to unpack the deeper meaning and motivations we bring to a complex situation. In other words, what do I see when I look at the world from my “me” glasses?

Later on in the training, we return to the concept and add a new layer. Instead of asking “What is it that I really want?”, we ask “What is it that we really want?” This question helps us get clear on the mutual purpose we are seeking and understand what it is we’re willing to compromise or concede to advance our shared cause – it helps us see  a complex situation from our “we” glasses.

So, before you consider how to address a complex situation, ask yourself: what glasses am I wearing? Me glasses? We glasses? I guarantee that pausing a few minutes to ask these questions will help you get clear on your motivations and path forward – and help you be a better leader, teammate and partner in the process.

[1] Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high.